The Happiness Curve
Chances are if you’ve run across this blog, you’ve also spent some time on New Zealand Now’s website where you may have run across this image:
I didn’t give enough thought to this happiness curve when we first moved. I was so excited and overwhelmed with everything that was going on that I didn’t see myself slip into the slump. And it was BAD. Really, really bad. Fortunately, my husband and I had made the commitment that we wouldn’t think of moving back until we had spent two years in New Zealand. Then, right around the seventeen month mark, things started to settle down and become less bad. Around eighteen months, I would venture to say that things are looking good. Not perfect, but there are more good days than bad, and we are starting to feel more settled.
I wish I had given the happiness curve more attention and tried to put up some safety guards against the hard times. The biggest buffer, in my opinion, is establishing a village and community. There is a lot of discussion about how unfriendly Kiwis are and how it is impossible to create meaningful friendships with them, making people feel very unsettled or uncomfortable here. At a book club that just started up for moms in my neighbourhood (which interestingly included two Australians, two South Africans, a German, me - an American, and one Kiwi) a theory was proposed to explain this phenomenon: Kiwis compartmentalise their friendships and relationships. Under this theory, if a Kiwi knows someone from work, then that relationship stays at work and doesn’t immediately translate into an invite for drinks afterwards. Since recent transplants to New Zealand don’t fit into any existing category, it takes extra time to break down that barrier. I’m not sure I completely buy into this theory. I’ve found Kiwis to be no more or less friendly than people anywhere else. They are, however, used to a very transient population. Something like 40% of the people in Auckland were born elsewhere and outside of Auckland the number is still high at around 25%. While some of this expat community stays put, a lot of them are short-timers. Kiwis naturally tend to invest their time and energy into longer term relationships, often ones that started in childhood or early adulthood, rather than in short friendships that may be over soon. So at a party or group event - where you would likely meet people for the first time - Kiwis tend to gravitate towards people they already know and may not come across as particularly welcoming or open.
I’ve found that the best way to create a Kiwi friendship is to get out of this group setting. While it was really hard for me - an often painfully awkward introvert - to take the initiative, asking someone to meet for coffee or inviting a parent and child over for a playdate was the best way to break down that barrier. As soon as that initial one-on-one event took place, it was a whole new world.
My second tip for creating a village is to go out of your way to introduce yourself to your neighbours. None of our neighbours initially came to meet up when we moved in, but as soon as we made a little extra effort (and muffins!) we all of a sudden had a whole group of people to lean on. This has come in especially handy when we’ve needed an adult to babysit the kids for a few minutes from time to time.
This is really cliché, but getting involved in a group activity is a wonderful way to meet people in New Zealand. Since there is a much better work-life balance here, people are actually out doing things they enjoy on a regular basis. Much more so than the United States. My husband joined up with a group at the Royal New Zealand Yacht Squadron to crew on Stewart 34s and now has a fairly large group of men that he befriended over the love of old sailboats. We also regularly went to an ashtanga yoga class where we met some wonderful yogis.
My fourth tip is to use the internet to find other people in your situation. There are a number of Facebook groups that I’ve found useful:
Shortly after landing in New Zealand, I remember scrolling through the comments sections on some of these groups, seeing someone who had something in common with me (i.e. kids about the same age) and sending them messages that basically said, “Will you be my friend?” It was humbling, but effective. There are also specific Facebook groups for different neighbourhoods, as well as a widely used online platform called Neighbourly which is similar to NextDoor. And just like in the US, Meetup is quite active here.
There are also a handful of (for lack of a better term) old-school organisations that help people meet each other primarily in face-to-face events first. These include:
And of course there is the tried-and-true organisation for parents to meet each other: school. Many parents walk their younger kids to school each morning and afternoon. This is a great opportunity to connect with nearby families. There have also been quite a few volunteer activities at my kids’ schools where I’ve had the opportunity to have those massively important one-on-one conversations with other adults here, too.
So hang on, folks, the happiness curve is a wild ride. I hope your experience with it is less tumultuous than mine, and hopefully you’ll have some luck creating the village that will support you and get you through the transition period to your new life in New Zealand.
